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1. Someone always goes wrong in the last lead of a peal.
2. Ringers always move away from your tower, never to it. The only exception is Ramsey in Huntingdonshire which seems to have a never-ending supply of ringers moving there.
3. Peals are always judged by the last 3 courses; it seems peal ringers experience memory loss after two and a half hours, so why not start peals at the last three courses and save a lot of time and effort?
4. It is always you who gets the odd-struck bell/bell which slips wheel/dries up after 2hours.
5. However many ringers attend on practice night, you are always one short for that special method.
6. On outings lockouts never coincide with pub opening hours and it always happens at the one tower of the day at which you have not rung
7. Conductors are never wrong; they are merely being creative with the composition when they suddenly swap you over for no apparent reason.
8. Your own striking is always immaculate; it is the other 5 (or 7, 9 or 11) who cannot ring to your rhythm.
9. Tenor ringers are exempt from buying the beer after a peal.
10. Despite complaining about the demands of the job, Tower Captains never voluntarily resign from office.
Bell-Speak: an Interpretation
By “Oddstruck”
1. “They go very well, all things considered”
Translation: Considering the bearings are oval, the frame moves in three different ways and the tower shakes in a gentle breeze.
2. “I was struck by the unique tonal qualities of these bells”
Translation: They sound like 5 dustbins and a tin bath being hit by wooden mallets.
3. “The local band are very keen”
Translation: But just a little short on ability.
4. “Do we have a band for London?”
Translation: Tower captain trying to show off in front of a visitor
5. “Listen to the striking!”
Translation: I know someone is clipping but I’ll be blowed if I know who.
6. “Let’s all make a real effort to be here on time next Sunday.”
Translation: I’m fed up with pulling all 6 bells up on my own then not getting a ring
when you lot turn up 10 minutes before service.
7. “The band were not quite up to the method.
Translation: We had 10 minutes of passable ‘firing’ before deciding to ring Plain Bob
8. “A brave attempt” (at a striking competition).
Translation: Were they trying to ring call changes, plain hunt or rounds?.
9. “We are a friendly band here.”
Translation: Just don’t expect much from the ringing
10. “The conductor got a little over-exited”
He was jumping up and down on his box, waving both arms, shouting himself hoarse and still the half-wit on the 2nd wouldn’t make places in 5-6.
11. “The vicar is very keen on having the bells rung as much as possible”.
Translation: He lives in the next village and likes to annoy the churchwarden who lives next door to the church and hates the sound of bells.
“Stand!”
By
“Oddstruck
No-one like giving up once a peal has started, especially when you are conducting. Usually the conductor, like the rest of the band, is determined to see it through to the end, no matter how tough it gets. But sometimes, however well you have prepared and however long you have trained , it is just no good; you cannot carry on and have to stop. The arms will not pull any more, the legs feel like jelly and the brain has turned to cotton wool. Of course you do not want to admit this physical weakness to the rest of the band after you have called “Stand” so you have to came up with some plausible excuse for setting the peal up. You could follow the example of the famous politician who was reputed to have said ‘never apologise, never explain’ , but this is not likely to gain the forgiveness or understanding of the rest of the band. Below is a list of excuses which might (no guarantees though!) save you from having to buy the beer for the next month……………..
1. I think I’ve left my car lights on.
2. My bra strap is cutting into me every backstroke. (Ladies only!)
3. I’ve been calling the wrong composition and it won’t work with this method.
4. I’m bored with this method – let’s ring something else.
5. It should have come round at the last lead (For minor or doubles)/That part-end wasn't quite right - I wonder what went wrong?
6. The pubs are open and it’s getting hot in here.
7. The ringer of the 7th keeps giving me funny looks; I think it is because I ran out of deodorant this morning
8. We forgot to take the chiming hammers off and the hour is about to strike.
9. I can’t take any more – the ringer of the second has low cut trousers and a crop top – my blood pressure is rising!
10. I’m getting desperate; I thought it would fire out before now so I had 3 pints at lunchtime!
Guess Who?
It seems to be all the rage at the moment in various magazines to pick on some celebrity then photograph and analyse some aspect of his or her home, such as their desk, mantelpiece, dressing table or even their fridge! So I thought it might be interesting to do the same for well-known bellringers. However, I soon hit a few snags; the first ringer I approached was quite happy for me to examine any of the above items of his home, as long as he remained anonymous! I decided this did not really matter, as I could give enough hints so that most ringers would know who it was!
Snag no 1 was the desk. Actually computer table is more accurate, complete with printer but very little else: in fact nothing else was on the table apart from a box of discs and reams of computer print outs, mostly methods and compositions. Not really very revealing. There was nothing on the mantelpiece except dust, (snag no 2) and no dressing table (snag no 3) and the contents of the fridge were perhaps too revealing; various ready-cooked meals for one and a large quantity of beer, not really the kind of items which could compare to the celebrities I had read about, who all seem to have any number of quirky, interesting items to show off.
I decided to abandon the idea and started to leave. My celebrity ringer accompanied me out to get something from his car. He opened the boot to reveal a treasure trove of interesting items, showing perhaps the true nature of my victim.
1. 2 bell ropes, 1 long and 1 short, in case of breakage.
2. A large bundle of assorted old keys, of differing sizes: my victim looked slightly guilty at this, mumbling about people sometimes forgetting keys.
3. A mobile phone (actually it was on the parcel shelf) essential in case of lockouts or meeting short.
4. A can of oil, various tools and a few stays. Useful at towers where the bells are not rung very often.
5. A change of clothes including a T-shirt with “tenor King” on it (large size).
6. Some more cans of beer and a copy of the good beer guide.
7. Various annual reports from the surrounding associations.
So does anyone have any idea who it could be? Answers on a postcard please………………….
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